Books by Dr. M

Where Should I Sit at Lunch? The Ultimate 24/7 Guide to Surviving the High School Years, by Harriet S. Mosatche, PhD
Where Should I Sit at Lunch? The Ultimate 24/7 Guide to Surviving the High School Years

 

Too Old for This, Too Young for That! Your Survival Guide for the Middle-School Years, by Harriet S. Mosatche, PhD
Too Old for This, Too Young for That! Your Survival Guide for the Middle-School Years

Parents of Teens & Young Adults

— March 2, 2024 —

My 14-year-old daughter, "Molly" is pretty anxious and has a tough time making friends, so she's really close to the friends she does have. One of her friends, "Matt," has been battling cancer for the past few months. He's basically stopped school this year and will continue from where he left off last year, but he was a grade ahead of Molly so starting next year they'll both be sophomores. My wife and I are very proud of how considerate and compassionate Molly has been towards Matt, however I think it's gotten a bit extreme. Molly's grades are slipping dramatically because she's spending certain class periods on her phone the whole time texting Matt, or she isn't getting any schoolwork done because she's spending afternoons with her friends in the hospital visiting Matt, or evenings FaceTiming him. I want to limit Molly's visits to just once a week so that she'll have time to focus on her schoolwork, but my wife thinks that's cruel. We've talked to Molly about keeping her grades up but she just dismisses us. How can we support Molly through supporting her friend while keeping her grades up?

— FeelLikeTheBadGuy

 

Dear FeelLikeTheBadGuy,

Congratulations on raising a teen who is compassionate! But your concern about her spending so much time supporting Matt that she's neglecting her schoolwork is well-founded. Your suggestion of limiting her visits to Matt did not go over well with your wife. Cutting back her in-person and virtual visits to once a week is drastic. I suggest that you and wife come up with a compromise strategy (for example, a total of four in-person and FaceTime visits with Matt and no texting him while she's in class). Tell Molly how proud you of her actions and that, as her parents, you have to think about her academic record, too. Consider getting support and ideas from Molly's teacher. She might not know how deeply involved Molly has been in Matt's emotional well-being.

signed, Dr. M.
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— February 18, 2024 —

My 15-year-old goddaughter I've helped raise since birth, moved in with me 10 months ago because her birth mother is an alcoholic and is verbally abusive, and well, here we are 10 months later. My goddaughter has been, to me, the perfect child. loving, empathetic, inquisitive, and easy going until recently. It took her months to make friends here where we live and took her time to make friends in school. And she finally made neighborhood friends during the summer. All male friends. My question is this: Our relationship has been strained by her constant push to bring her guy friends into my house when I am not home. I've told her multiple times I do not allow strangers in my home and have offered her the patio to bring her friends to, but only when I am home. She refused. And since making these new neighborhood friends, she has snuck out the windows, cursed at me (which she never did before) and now tells me she wants to move back with her Mom. She says she'd rather take the verbal abuse than deal with "my ridiculous rules." She also has a girl best friend of 2 years who is always here when arguments and turmoil arise. I feel this girl is a bad influence as she encourages my daughter to have the guys in my house when I am gone. That girl is also a better liar than my goddaughter is. My goddaughter goes to see a therapist weekly and there she has (reluctantly) promised she will not bring the boys into my house while I work, but she just did it again. My neighbor told me plus her best friend posted recent pics of the boy lying down on my sofa. How can I stop my child from bringing neighborhood boys in my house and from chronically lying about it? One of the boys has already cursed at me from a distance. Help, this is consuming me.

— Leti

 

Dear Leti,

Congratulations, you have a teenager! The behavior you're describing sounds pretty par for the course for a teenager, who is at the developmental stage when they are testing (or breaking) rules and boundaries. And without knowing what your concerns are with having boys (and maybe girls, too, since they're also strangers) in your home, I have to say, I agree with your goddaughter. Even if you don't allow strangers in your home, if she's living with you, it's her home, too, and they're not strangers to her. And if the issue is really with them being strangers to you, would it help if your goddaughter introduced them to you before she had them over inside the house? If not, I think you need to ask yourself what exactly your issue is with them being at your house.

Speaking from experience, if you set very stringent rules that are incompatible with the realities of a teenager's social life, they're going to break them and lie to you about it. You can punish them for it but it's not going to improve your relationship and is unlikely to bring about a meaningful change in their behavior other than to make them try harder next time to avoid being caught.

My best advice is to sit down with your goddaughter, explain why you are concerned about these friends of hers being in your house, and see if you can work together to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

signed, Rob
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— January 21, 2024 —

I come from a religious family, many of whom are critical and judgmental of those who do not share the same beliefs or live their lives in the same manner. I was raised using guilt, shame, and emotional and verbal abuse. I do not raise my children this way. I allow them to make their choices as they see fit, so long as they do not hurt themselves or anyone else.

My 13-year-old daughter loves horror movies, watching shows like Stranger Things, has taken an interest in true crime stories, and frequently listens to true crime podcasts. It's not my cup of tea but she enjoys it. While visiting family over the holidays, my aunt made several comments to her regarding her choices. She would wait until I was out of the room or whisper things to her such as, "Bad goes in, bad comes out," or "I pray you don't turn out like that," (referring to the murderer in a true crime podcast) and making comments about her choosing not to attend church with the family. I did not find out she'd said these things until we were at the airport ready to return home. The next day, my aunt text messaged my daughter asking if she forgot about her since we returned home. My daughter was fed up at this point and asked me to say something to her. I planned to talk to her once we returned to our home state, but since my daughter asked, I sent a message letting her know that I'm sure she wasn't intending to, but asking my daughter if she forgot about her only makes her feel like she did something wrong. My aunt did not reply to me, but replied to my daughter and said she was "just being playful." My mom has made comments to me about being worried because of what my daughter is listening to and watching but never to my daughter.

Am I wrong in allowing her to listen/watch what she chooses? I was shielded from so much growing up that it had such a negative effect on me, so I do not choose censorship for my kids. My aunt has been similarly passive aggressive with me for years, and I never stopped it. Now, she is utilizing guilt and shame with my child, who feels she's "bad" now and it really hurt her feelings. Should I try to talk to her, or shut her off from access to my kids? Anytime in the past that I've said something to her, she plays victim and it's incredibly frustrating.

— Amanda

 

Dear Amanda,

You brought up two different but related issues: 1) how your family communicates with you and your daughter, and 2) what you decide to allow your daughter to watch and listen to.

Your mom and your aunt are giving you and your daughter the same message, that she's watching inappropriate media. I appreciate that your mother is communicating with you only, although she's questioning your role as the decision-maker. On the other hand, I know why your aunt is directly sending messages to your daughter—because she knows you wouldn't approve of what she is saying.

My first piece of advice is to consider what you think is right for your child, thinking about her reactions when she watches horror movies or when she reads true crime stories. If she has nightmares or becomes overly fearful, that's something to consider when you make your decision. You should also pay attention to her maturity level. She may well be mature beyond her chronological age. I don't know whether you ever watch horror movies or listen to the true crime podcasts with her. Even though it's not your "cup of tea," when you're with her, you can ask questions and she can ask you questions as well. When you're doing that, be careful that you don't come across as criticizing her preferences but rather showing an interest in what she's doing.

My second piece of advice is to talk to your aunt and tell her that you know she's looking out for your daughter but you don't want her to make comments to your child that seem personal (for example, "Bad goes in, bad comes out"). I'm less concerned about your mom's comments to you—you know how to handle her comments.

signed, Dr. M.
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— January 6, 2024 —

Within the last two months, my daughter has become very stubborn and refuses to do anything anyone asks of her. She's in 8th grade, and there've been no recent major life changes. She tells me everything about her life, including things at school, and has been a pretty responsible rule-following kid—up until now. She's started doing stuff like refusing to wear a winter jacket, preferring a light fall windbreaker though she takes the school bus and has many moments throughout the day where she needs to be outside for up to 5 minutes—and it's getting down to the mid-30s! Although she wears eyeglasses with a high prescription and really can't see a few inches without them, she takes her glasses off when she gets to school and keeps them off. And then she complains when her grades, which she really cares about, start slipping. Those examples are the ones I'm most concerned about because of their impact on her health, though there are others.

I've told her so many times that she needs to wear her winter jacket and wear her glasses all day. She'll complain about being cold or having a headache when she comes home from school, and then look at me and give me a mischievous smile. She complains about how a particular friend of hers, who she has confided having a crush on, will express his concerns about her behavior to her. She knows what she's doing is harmful and will not stop. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is a very mild teenage rebellion, and I am glad she isn't out doing drugs or that sort of thing. But given that just a few months ago she was a mature, rule-following kid, this is worrying me. How do I get her to stop making choices that only injure herself.

— Off-putting Obstinate Offspring

 

Dear Off-Putting Obstinate Offspring,

I like how you're putting your daughter's behavior into perspective. What you described is a moderate form of rebellion, but her behavior is hurting her. I can suggest a couple of actions you can take, but recognize that your daughter is trying to fit in at school (that's probably why she takes off her eyeglasses even though she needs them). With regard to refusing to wear a winter jacket, she's showing her peers what a non-conformist she is. You're her parent, which sometimes means having hard discussions and arriving at compromises and having the final say about things that could be harmful to your daughter's health.

Tell your daughter you're concerned about a couple of her actions. Speak honestly about what you've noticed, and ask her to tell you why she takes those actions. Listen without interrupting. Ask her to take your perspective and imagine why you're worried. Tell her you're willing to find a middle ground. Perhaps she will agree to wear her glasses in most of her classes but not on the bus or at gym. She might be willing to wear a heavier jacket when the weather is moderately cold and windy.

Remember how you acted at her age—part of being a teenager involves trying out different roles and figuring out what's important. Allow your young teen to win some of the time, but not if it threatens her health or education.

signed, Dr. M.
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— September 25, 2023 —

My 17-year-old son has a weakness in English class. He isn't sure how to improve his marks, and he finds it is a very abstract subject for his brain. Often he comes home and says: "Why do I need to learn this?" Do you have any advice on how to comfort and look after my son in this hard time? — Zofia

 

Dear Zofia,

A lot of high school students don't understand the relationship between what they're learning in school and what they will do later in life. You asked how you can "comfort and look after" your son, but a better question might be how you can help motivate him to do better in English. If you're having problems answering your son's question, make an appointment with his English teacher so the two of you can discuss the importance of this subject and how you might answer him.

Your son also needs to understand that doing well in English class is not only about improving grades but also about developing important life-long skills. Almost every job requires strong reading comprehension and the ability to write well. Depending on your location, it may be important not only to be fluent in your native language, but also in an international language, such as English. If you know what careers your son might be interested in, you could help him connect the skills he's developing in his English classes with the skills he's expected to be good at in each career.

When I was in high school, one English teacher required us to write a 250-word essay every day for homework. Although I often enjoyed the essay's topic, at other times I was frustrated that I had to write an essay when I would rather spend my time doing something else. However, I came to realize that those essays taught me to write, which I have used in every career since—from being a psychology professor to writing books for children and adults, to serving as a leadership coach for students and senior executives in global companies, to giving speeches at conferences. And, in 1997, I would not have developed the advice column you are reading without all those English classes and assignments!

signed, Dr. M.
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— September 9, 2023 —

How do I know if my 15-year-old son is depressed? He is a very quiet person and he doesn't show emotion much either.

— Josh

 

Dear Josh,

I suspect you submitted this question because you're concerned about your son's mental health. I have some questions for you to consider: Has your son always been quiet or is this tendency relatively new? Have his eating and sleep patterns changed recently? Have you noticed any changes in his friendships—for example, does he prefer being alone most of the time? Has he made any alarming pronouncements (such as saying things like: "I don't want to be a burden on you any longer" or "I feel worthless")? Your answers to these questions will provide valuable clues to what's going on with your son.

School is just starting but teachers' observations and grades are important indicators of a student's emotional status. Make an appointment with a school counselor (with or without your son). If your son refuses to involve his school, find out about therapists who work with adolescents in your community and make an appointment. By texting or calling phone icon988, a crisis and suicide prevention hotline, you will be connected with trained counselors who will offer you free and confidential help. If your son is depressed, encourage him to contact that hotline number himself. Remind him that you are concerned about him and hope he feels comfortable talking openly with you, and that you will try to answer his questions in a non-judgmental and honest way.

signed, Dr. M.
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— August 20, 2023 —

My 13-year-old son has told me that he feels really old and out of touch with his peers. He doesn't listen to modern music, preferring jazz and classical music. He wears glasses mostly for reading, though he's had them since he was a toddler. He's small for his age, and has a history of back issues that keep him from being physically active. He has Type 1 Diabetes, and was mortified when his step-grandmother, who has Type 2 Diabetes, tried to use that as a point of bonding with him! Many of his peers are devoted to TikTok, while he likes YouTube channels that appear to target an audience of 20-somethings. His favorite video games are slow-paced simulation/building games. He loves reading, and during the winter he can be found curled-up in front of the heater with an Agatha Christie novel in hand. My son has a hard time connecting with others his age and yet he has three close friends, one of whom is his twin sister. The other two kids are, like him, relatively shy boys who don't like sports. The three are very close, and can often be found playing board games together.

On the other hand, while my daughter shares some of his traits, like not caring for TikTok, she is otherwise very much in tune with her classmates. She is quite bubbly and has a lot of friends that she's always trying to introduce to him. However, none of them seem to click with my son—but most of them are girls. I think he's at an age/phase where any girl except for his sister is intimidating, and he probably has a bit of a crush on all of them.

My son has expressed that he often feels lonely, especially now, over the summer since his close friends are not around when he is. Both of my children have been at several sleepaway camps and day camps this summer. My daughter is able to make friends easily, while my son can't. His sister is a good friend to him, and tries to make time for him, but she has a bunch of other friends at these camps, which puts his focus on feeling lonely. How can I get my son to be more comfortable making friends, or to get more comfortable with the idea that not everyone needs a ton of friends to be happy?

— Parenting a Lonely Kid

 

Dear Parenting A Lonely Kid,

The good news is that your son already has friends who are similar to him. The other piece of good news is that school will be back in session soon, which will give him fresh opportunities to make new friends.

I would suggest that you and your son brainstorm ways for him to make friends. Here are a couple of idea to get you started:

  1. Encourage him to join after-school clubs in which he's interested, or that are based on activities he'd like to try. He could also ask a teacher to help him establish a new school club—perhaps playing board games or centered on playing or coding a new video game.
  2. Practice role-playing social situations with him (for example, sitting in class next to someone he doesn't know yet).... You could play his role first, and then ask him to play himself. This will allow him to observe and practice socializing before he's in a real-life situation.
    • You can bring his twin sister into the activity too. While she is role-playing, her actions might give him ideas about how to act and what to say.
    • After each role-play, have a discussion about what he learned, and how the scenarios might indicate ways he could adapt his behavior to feel more comfortable and develop new approaches for making friends.
Finally, continue to encourage him to accept the idea that having a couple of true friends is far better than having tons of acquaintances.

signed, Dr. M.
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