Books by Dr. M
Girls: What's So Bad About Being Good? How to Have Fun, Survive the Preteen Years, and Remain True to Yourself
Kids
— October 27, 2024 —
Hello, I go to school and am in the top classes and in the Gifted & Talented program. I usually get good scores on tests, usually 85% or higher. But when I don't get that, my mother acts disappointed and tells me that I need to improve. Otherwise, she says, my school won't 'notice me' or will think I'm not trying. Sometimes I'm happy with my mark but my mother isn't—for example I got a 75 on a religion test which I was quite proud of because it was hard, but my mother said I needed to try harder, or the school would think I'm stupid. One time I got a 90 on a math test and I was extremely happy but when I told my mother she said, "Oh, that should be higher, you are good at maths." I get upset because usually I'm happy and then when I tell her my mark, she disses it and makes me sad. She seems to believe in me—she tells me I'm good at learning, but she never gives the impression she's happy with my results unless I'm better than all the other students. I always try my hardest but when there's things I can't do, it seems like her faith in me decreases. What do I do?
— Presh, 12
It's time for you to have an honest conversation with your mom. Give her a couple of examples that you included in your letter. Tell her that even when you worked very hard and achieved a 90, it's discouraging to be told that your effort and skill were not enough. Perhaps she thinks her reaction will inspire you to work harder, but instead it discourages you. Hopefully, this conversation will allow both of you to understand the other's perspective. If that doesn't work, think of a trusted adult family member or friend who can talk to your mother. You need someone on your side who understands what you're going through and can convince your mother that her approach is misguided.
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— September 22, 2024 —
I have this friend, she's really sweet but she has family problems. Her dad is abusive, like if she gets bad grades or isn't good at something, she gets slapped. One time her dad actually broke her finger. Her mom is really sweet and sometimes her dad hits her mom after he drinks. She has a little sister whom she wants to protect, but the dad favors the little sister over my friend, which makes her depressed. Her parents had an arranged marriage so they really didn't love each other but in India, divorce isn't really normal and people are afraid of the judgment in their community after the divorce. I want to help but she doesn't want to call Child Protective Services or the police. How do I help my good friend?
— Friend, 12
It's very difficult to watch someone living in an abusive situation, and you've been both a good friend, and a validating witness to the details occurring in her home. That's already important help to your good friend. And now you've reached out for guidance, so let us point you in a direction that will help both of you begin making change.
If your friend or one of her family members is in immediate danger, you should call 911 without hesitation. Outside of that, neither you, nor your friend has to call the police or report the situation to Child Protective Services. Either or both of you should get in touch with the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline, which helps children and adults regarding abusive situations. Call or text 
(800)422-4453. or chat live on the site with counselors (and there's a quick-exit button so the site can easily shut down if the wrong person is looking over your shoulder).
Please keep in touch regarding the situation; we care very much about our readers.
Ask Dr. M. for Advice on Your Problem
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— August 24, 2024 —
Hi. I'm Japanese, and I lived in America for 5 years. Now I'm back in Japan and everything is so hard. I can't understand Japanese when they are talking so fast, I miss my friends, and school is so hard. And my parents are not helping! My dad always wants to cuddle with me, like I'm a baby. I pull away, but he keeps doing it. I know he means no harm, but I don't know. And my mom is just always talking about math, and making me do it, and it feels bad. I don't know if it's just a mood swing, or not, but help me!
— Help, 12
I understand how tough it is for you to live in one place for such a long time and then to move to another country with a very different educational system and cultural norms. To complicate your life further, your father is treating you like a baby, and your mother is focusing to an extreme degree on math. It's time for you to talk to your parents about the difficult situation you're in and what they can do differently to make your transition a little easier. Start by saying that you understand they mean well and have your best interests in mind. But tell them that you would like them to try to understand your viewpoint and how difficult this change has been for you.
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— August 13, 2024 —
So I've been going through a tough time. I've been so stressed and I cry every day. My mom has bad anger issues, she throws so much stuff around, and I am sometimes really scared. I wanna kill myself and be with god if he is even real, so I need help. I might be depressed—I like school more than home. I wanna live in school since I hate home. I like my dad, but I wish my mom died. I just want a friend to live next to me so I can be happy. But yeah, and I wish I had a happy life. I feel like my mom hates me, so I need help. Can you help me? Sometimes I punch myself and cut myself. It helps me take out my anger. I just want my parents to divorce because I hate my mom like I want a new one.
— Sad, 12
I'm so sorry you are having such a tough time. It may be hard to recognize from the inside looking out, but it sounds like you are in crisis and have been for some time. I suggest you call 988, the Suicide Prevention Lifeline to talk about your feelings with a professional who can help you now.
In the meanwhile, you need someone with skills to guide you on an ongoing basis. Consider services that you may have access to, and reach out to make the connection with a counselor at school or in your community, where you can get the help and support you need. It may also be that your parents have insurance coverage for therapy services. And in addition to therapy for you, it is worth suggesting to them that you could use family therapy as well to work out your challenges at home.
On that note, I suggest talking with your dad about your hopelessness and self-harming. He has probably noticed some of this, and it would be good to develop your connection with him. Additionally, although your mom has bad anger issues and scares you very much, I would suggest finding a moment when you can empathize and start a light conversation with her because it will help shift your relationship. At 12, you are no longer a little child, but growing into a teen. Hopefully she will be interested in what you have to say, and if the opportunity seems right, you can suggest the idea of family therapy because it will help her. I suspect that she is having a hard time, too, and doesn't know how to handle her anger aside from throwing things, and therapy would provide other ways to explore her feelings without damaging the house and everyone around her.
I hope this advice is helpful. Please let us know how you are doing in the future.
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— July 10, 2024 —
I'm so hopelessly lost. I don't know if everyone at my age experiences this, but I have suddenly realized that I can't rely on my parents anymore, and it breaks my heart. Any problems or issues, any sadness or anger I experience, is all pinned down to "just being a teenager." I'm not even a teen yet, and I'm still a young kid at heart. I never, never, questioned my parents' love growing up. I thought they would do anything for me, support me in anything I did. Now I'm not sure they even like me. Everything makes me anxious and I've never considered stuff like running away, before now. I love my parents and want to be their special little girl, but maybe I'm at an age where that isn't meant to be anymore. I don't know. I feel so lost without the certainty of their love, and feel much safer when I distance myself from them or respond to questions with answers like "fine," or "ok," nothing like with my old enthusiasm, which just supports their stupid, "she's becoming a teenager" theory. I don't know what to do anymore. Please help.
— Izzy, 11
Running away is definitely not the answer to your issues. Your parents seem not to understand what you're feeling, and it must be frustrating when they dismiss your experiences and feelings by saying, "she's becoming a teenager." That's not a helpful response. I have some ideas for you:
- Tell your parents that you're very upset and ask them to set aside some time for an honest discussion. If they want to know right away what's upsetting you, let them know you prefer to have this conversation when there's time, and you have prepared for the meeting. In advance, think about how you're going to convey to them how serious the situation has become, what you're thinking (that you're not sure they still love you), and that when they dismiss your concerns with comments about you becoming a teenager, you feel they're not taking your issues seriously. If the conversation doesn't result in improvement, then pursue an alternative action:
- Talk to your most trusted friends about what you're experiencing—one of them might have advice for you since they may have felt similarly.
- If you feel you can't talk to your friends, seek out counseling from a teacher, psychologist or social worker who works at your school.
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— May 27, 2024 —
I hate home because my mom has anger issues. I like school much better. My mom doesn't hit us but I'm scared of her. One time we were singing (I hate singing), and I said how come my siblings don't sing. She got mad and threw my clothes and my shoes and everything I have outside. I was crying and I had to pick up everything.
I like my dad better than my mom. My mom picks outfits for everyone in my house and when my dad said I don't want to wear the jeans she picked out, she tore my dad's closet apart. I have a lot of stress and I want to kill myself, maybe be with God if he is real. I am only 12 and I wish I was 18 so I can have my own house. My mom said I have to get As and Bs, and no Cs on my grades but she doesn't know that I got a C in one subject. I wanna run away but I don't have money. I wish my mom died, I hate her so much. I am so ugly and she calls me and my siblings fat so please help.
— Princess, 12
Your letter was heartbreaking. Your mother seems to have mental health issues and takes her frustration out on you, your siblings, and even your father. Talk to your dad about how you're feeling, including your suicidal thoughts. He may not realize the impact of your mom's actions on you. Suggest to your dad that the whole family would benefit from family therapy. In that way, you would have a neutral person to help all of you navigate the difficulties at home. Also, since you seem hopeless about your family situation, please call 988 as soon as possible. That's a confidential crisis hotline, staffed by caring people who can make helpful suggestions and refer you to local resources. You shouldn't have to suffer since there are people and organizations dedicated to helping people who are in crisis. Please write back letting us know how you're doing.
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— April 25, 2024 —
So I have a problem! I procrastinate too much. For example, I had a test a few weeks back but instead of studying, I ended up delaying it so long that by the time I decided to study it was late. I don't know how this started or how to stop it. Can you help me?
— Procrastinator, 12
Procrastinating generally has to do with avoiding the pain of doing something. Usually we stop procrastinating when the pain of not doing the task becomes greater than the pain of doing the task. The problem is if we wait too long we don't have enough time to do the job well. Suddenly, the situation has become more painful than it needed to be. The secret to ending procrastination is to stop dreading the task. Acknowledge that you really need to do this work. Then begin making the tiniest effort at the task daily, or even several times a day, if possible. For instance, if you were avoiding studying for a math test, consider a problem that you are good at, and put your focus on getting faster at that kind of question before taking on a more difficult one.
Take five minutes one day to collect some examples for practice (or locate a website such as KhanAcademy.com that features problems for what you've been learning). Recognize that you've made progress! Give yourself a break and a cheer! Come back later that day or the next day for another stab at it. If your inner critic says: "That wasn't enough work" or "You weren't any faster," say: "I see you are trying to prod me forward, I've got this! No need for additional pressure right now." The next time you make even a very brief undertaking, be sure to congratulate yourself for improving your work habits. It's important that each time you work at it, allow yourself to feel good. If you set regular work intervals, the task will get easier, and you will slowly be able to increase the time and effort.
If starting a task becomes dreadful again, begin the process once more. Encourage yourself with positive thoughts. Remember that what you are undertaking is no small thing. According to the research, it takes about three weeks to establish a habit. Therefore being on the uphill climb of developing a new habit, each small effort brings you closer to an important three-week milestone—count down the days! Be proud of taking on a difficult achievement, one small effort at a time. Remind yourself that you are developing an important skill that will benefit you throughout your life.
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— March 24, 2024 —
Lately I've been obsessing over how I look. In particular I've been obsessing over my imperfections and how much I hate them. I can't stand the way they look. I keep looking in the mirror, and I constantly worry about how other people perceive my appearance. I feel ugly, I feel like people can't stand looking at me and at this point I can't stand looking at myself. Anytime I see a reflective surface I look at myself ashamed of my flaws. I'm always comparing myself to the other girls in my grade. I think they are prettier than me and I wish I could look like them. In my eyes they're perfect and I'm one of the ugliest girls at my school. All of those girls have at least 1 guy that likes them but I don't and I feel like I never will because I don't deserve it as much as they do. There are days where I sit in my room and cry. I want to tell my family but if I do they will feel concerned and worried for me. I don't like to see them upset and worried over me. They don't deserve to feel that way over my problems. Please help. I don't know what to do.
— Anonymous, 11
I'm glad you wrote to us. Many girls your age are concerned about their appearance. They are preoccupied with finding flaws. Some of the girls you think are very pretty have the same concerns as you do—focusing on their size or their blemishes instead of emphasizing what they like about themselves. I have two suggestions for you: 1) Talk to your parents about what's bothering you, and make sure you tell them that you are so upset that you spend a lot of time crying in your room; 2) Do the following exercise once a day: Write down one thing you like about your appearance (maybe you have pretty eyes or a great smile) and one thing you like about your personality (perhaps you're kind to your friends or you spend time talking to an elderly neighbor who lives by herself). This exercise is a great way to get into the habit of concentrating on what's good about your life and your personal qualities. If these suggestions don't help, consider making an appointment with a school counselor who will have other advice to share with you.
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— March 2, 2024 —
As you can tell by my name, I think I have ADHD. So it all started when I had a test but instead of studying I was fidgeting, kept getting distracted and couldn't sit still. I thought this was normal but I started interrupting people, talking a lot and was getting impatient. Can you help me. I don't know what to do. Do I have ADHD or not? Or should I tell my parents about this??
— Inattention, 12
Definitely, tell your parents about your symptoms! They should arrange for you to be professionally evaluated so they and you know what your symptoms mean and how you could be treated. There are loads of strategies for reducing expression of ADHD (if you're diagnosed with that). Your parents, teachers, school counselors should assist you so you can work effectively and comfortably in school and with friends and family. Even if you don't have ADHD, it's a good idea to get help handling your impatience and fidgeting. What's important is that you learn tools that will serve you well now and into the future.
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— February 18, 2024 —
I've been showing lots of signs of depression, and I don't know how to tell anyone, because my parents blame it on hormones, or they just don't understand. I've had these signs since June 2023. I don't really have any trusted adults, and definitely no understanding friends. I only have one friend anyway. When I talk about these things, everyone makes me feel like I'm overreacting because I'm "that age" but I know something is definitely wrong. I'm scared it'll seem like I'm attention seeking by talking about this. I've had the hardest year of my life and it's only getting worse day by day. I really want to tell my parents about this but I don't know how. I'm also scared too because they are going through so much as my aunt has cancer and it's getting very bad. So I don't want to put my burdens on them so I always end up bottling up my feelings inside. Do you have any advice on how I can talk to someone about this? Please.
— Briar, 12
Although your parents are dealing with your aunt who has cancer, they need to know about your feelings of depression. They may not understand fully, but you have to make another effort to relay to them what you told me in your letter. First, tell them you need to have a discussion about something serious. Set up a time and day when they can concentrate on your problem. Don't allow them to get away with saying it's your hormones or your age. Tell them these feelings have been affecting you for several months, and ask them to find a counselor who can teach you strategies that will be helpful. You can also set up an appointment with a school counselor or even a trusted teacher who can point you in the right direction for getting help. Since you say you have only one friend, think about joining after-school clubs and teams to make connections with peers with whom you share common interests.
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— February 3, 2024 —
Before anything, let me just say thank you so much for reading my question!
My sister and I really want a puppy. Like really REALLY want a puppy. (I know I sound desperate but it's true.) We have an old dog, Lulu the lab, and we really want another dog because Lulu gets lonely, puppies can do things Lulu can't, and puppies just bring more happiness to our family. Puppies are also so cute and fluffy! There's only one issue, and it's a big one. Our parents. They say that once Lulu passes, no more pets. They are hard to convince, and will probably say no. Me and my sister have been doing extensive research and we have found puppies at reasonable prices in our area. We know how to accept no's but we really want a puppy. Is there anything we can do to convince our hard headed parents?
— Puppy Lover, 13I really want a dog. Or really even any pet (but mostly a dog) my parents say "not yet, soon" but who knows when "soon" is? It could be ten years. I've tried everything to convince them, but I never can. Plus every time I ask, they come up with some reason not to. Like, "it would be hard to travel," or "maybe once we get a bigger house—it would be too cramped in here." — Puppy Problems, 11
I am answering both of your questions together because they express the same theme—that you want a dog but your parents don't want to get one. Are you sisters? I'm curious so write back and let us know.
Since you've already done "extensive research," explain what you have found—have you looked beyond the cost of buying a dog? Further details to consider are the tasks and expenses of care, food and vet visits, and pet-sitting, boarding or travel considerations when your family takes a trip. Is there any way you can pay for some of these costs? Will doing extra chores around the house work? Can you get paid for babysitting? Also, before you talk to your parents again, create a chart that details how you (and your sister and your parents) will take care of a dog. Who will walk the dog? Who will prepare the food and water that a dog needs? Who will wash and clean up after the dog? By preparing the answers to these questions, you are showing your parents how responsible you are.
If your parents continue to insist that their answer is no, find a way to be around dogs. Look into shelters, pet stores, and veterinarian offices, which might be interested in you volunteering to clean the cages and play with and soothe the dogs.
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— January 21, 2024 —
I love my school and I do really well there, but I feel that my social network is small even though I try to make it bigger. I want to have friends I can open up to and talk to about important topics. I don't know how to make my social web bigger and I have tried everything, I sit at different lunch tables every week and even talk to older and younger kids too. I have a few friends although they mean more to me than I do to them. What do you think?
— Adam, 11
Why do you think your friends think less of you? Is it something one of them said or is it possible it's because you're feeling insecure about your friendships? Consider what you do for them and what they do for you. As you examine each friendship you may find that they are more even than you think.
As to your desire to broaden your social network, my advice is to join after-school groups and clubs on topics that interest you. Perhaps there's a current events or politics club. Maybe there's a history or science group. If the groups that currently exist don't suit your interests, then find out what you have to do to establish a club that supports one of your interests. One advantage of being part of a group with members who have similar interests to you is that you will find it easier to make friends—naturally you will have a lot of things to talk about.
Remember it's not the number of friends that matter. It's whether they are true friends. Ask relatives how they made friends when they were your age and older. I think of the close friends I have now, and the qualities that deepened our friendship—kindness, generosity, similar interests, sense of humor, and compassion. Your list may be different from mine, but it may be a good idea to draw up your list and think about who you want to be in your friendship group.
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— January 6, 2024 —
How do I keep up with my current event assignments? I'm always turning them in late and sometimes I even forget to. I want to stop this habit and get start a fresh start. What do I do?
— Ashley, 12
This is a perfect time to change your homework habits—it's the beginning of a new year! I suggest you keep a separate notebook for tracking your assignments or start a new folder on the computer where you can clearly indicate every assignment along with the due dates. Get into the habit of looking at the list every day. You won't forget about homework if you do this. Use a calendar (on your computer or your special notebook) to show when you will start work on a specific task and when it's due. If you're motivated to change, this technique will help you. Please let me know about your progress.
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— November 19, 2023 —
I recently got into a fight in school and was suspended for 10 days. My school year hasn't gone off to a great start and I was wondering if you had any tips on productive things I could do while suspended, and how to not get into much trouble at school?
— Diane, 12
By the time my response to your question is posted online, your suspension should be over. During your time away from school, I hope you spent some time thinking about how to avoid getting into fights at school. Here are a couple of ideas for you to consider:
- Instead of reacting in a physical way to an insult, teasing, or put-down, talk to the person who has angered you. Explain your viewpoint and how you are feeling.
- If you're too angry to speak in a respectful way, walk away. And do something with the anger that's simmering inside—perhaps take a run or a fast walk, talk to a family member or friend who can offer you emotional support, or write about your feelings.
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— October 14, 2023 —
For the past 2 years or so I've constantly worried that everyone secretly hates me and talks about me behind my back. Nobody has ever told me I'm being talked about behind my back, but I still worry that everyone secretly hates me. Sometimes when I'm with my peers I'll try to talk but get ignored and it makes me feel like I'm annoying or that I talk too much. Sometimes I feel like if I just stopped talking, nobody would even notice or that people might actually be happy about it. It also doesn't help to hear other people talking about their friends behind their back, which just fuels my fear even more. I don't know how to explain it—but it's like every time I open my mouth I just don't fit in, or that nobody cares about what I have to say, or that I'm too weird.
— Worried, 11
When you hear peers talking about their friends when they're not around, it's easy to see why you are particularly worried that you are being talked about behind your back. However, you sound like you're very self-conscious. At your age, it's common for people to think that everyone is focusing on them when, in reality, people are concerned more about themselves. Fitting in is one of the priorities of the pre-teen years, but it would be helpful for you to concentrate on what brings you happiness instead of how others view you. In time, you will probably find a friendship group in which you can be yourself and not worry about impressing others.
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— September 25, 2023 —
Hi. Most of the boys in my class are so naughty and noisy that it stresses out our homeroom teacher! Last year when they were in grade four, they were so respectful. I have no idea what happened! Our P.E. teacher said if we practice good behaviors, we will be able to go on a field trip! I really want to go on a field trip. But thanks to the boys who are very noisy, I'm worried that we'll never be able to go on a field trip until grade six! What should I do?
— Guia, 10
Many children have a hard time sitting quietly in school, so perhaps your teachers can offer opportunities for breaks for talking to classmates and also for doing physical activities. Regarding the field trip your class was promised if everyone behaves properly, remember that you are only in control of your own actions. Perhaps, you can serve as a role model for the "noisy boys," showing them how to reduce stress for your homeroom teacher. If you are brave enough to address your whole class, explain how disrespectful behavior will result in all the children missing out on the opportunity to go on a fun field trip. That may or may not work, but you would be proud of yourself for being a role model and for standing up for something positive.
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— September 9, 2023 —
Hi! I need help badly. I used to have this really good friend in school, and all of a sudden she turns her back on me. I gave her a few chances and she messed up each one I gave her, so I flat out told her, "We're done," since she was treating me so horribly. Just today as I was headed out of the school building to get to my bus, another friend of mine stopped me before I left to explain that my ex-best friend told her that she was giving out my number to random people on social media. I have already talked to my parents, and the School's Resource Police Officer was notified by my friend, but I feel like that isn't enough. After all this happened outside of school, so the school can't do much, right? I ignore her as much as possible and I don't talk to her. Why is she doing this and what else can I do to make it stop?
— Corri, 12
I'm glad you told your parents about what your ex-friend is doing. She may not fully understand the dangerous situation she is putting you in—if what she told your friend is actually true. She may or may not be bluffing, but your parents should intervene on your behalf. They could notify the school administrators what you were told. Since your ex-friend is a student at the same school you're attending, they might be willing to investigate. Your parents could have your cell phone number changed so "random people" can't contact you. If the school administrators or your parents find out that she did indeed give out your number, her parents should be notified so they have an opportunity to take action.
You asked why your ex-friend is acting this way, my guess is that she's angry with you for ending the friendship. She needs help in handling her anger in more positive ways, but that's up to her parents and her teachers. Your school could turn this horrible situation into a learning opportunity for all students—perhaps providing a safety program that focuses on the positive and negative aspects of social media.
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— August 20, 2023 —
When I was younger—like 7 years old, I really wanted to try out piano. My mom agreed and I started classes. I was really enjoying classes. Fast forward to today. I became really bored with piano, but didn't want to tell my mom because she had paid a lot of money for my classes. I started to like singing and I would just sing in my bedroom with my door locked. What should I do? Tell my mom that I want to quit piano or keep it a secret?
— LovePianoOrNot, 11
If you really don't want to continue your piano lessons, I would advise you to talk to your mom. Tell her that you appreciate all the money she spent on your lessons, but you don't want her to spend any more because piano is not something you want to focus on now. Assure your mom that you'll continue to use what you have learned from your piano lessons because you have found a new aspect of music—singing—which brings you a lot of joy! Listen to your mom's point of view. She may want you to take a few more piano lessons to make sure it's not a snap decision. As an alternative, you could combine piano with singing, or ask to explore new kinds of piano music in your lessons.
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— August 6, 2023 —
Hi. I'd really appreciate it if you'd answer my question. So I met this girl at school, and she really seems to want us to be friends. She seems nice enough, but I've only met her once briefly and now she texts me all the time. She calls me bestie a lot, and yesterday she asked me to meet up on Thursday after school though I barely know her! I have a club then so I couldn't, but now she's asked me to eat lunch with her and her friends. It's just that I already have my own friends who I want to eat lunch with and hang out with. I want to be nice though and I'd like us to be friends, just not so quickly! How do I avoid offending her but still not have to hang out excessively?
— WannaBeNice, 12
Since this girl is nice and you want to become friends, accept as many invitations as you feel comfortable with. If you become overwhelmed with her texts and lunch requests, let her know that you want to spend some time with her but you have other friends you want to hang out with sometimes. If you're clear and honest, in time you might grow to be close—or not. Maybe you'll remain casual friends, not "besties." The outcome will be up to both of you.
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— July 24, 2023 —
I've written to you before, but I never got a response. I know you're busy, and that's okay. The thing is, I hate my school. I mean, nobody really wants to go to school, but I hate my situation. I'm invisible during recess, and I have severe anxiety, so I am a loner when it comes to this stuff, and I try to socialize, but it's hopeless because I get really nervous at like 7 feet away and just turn around. It doesn't help that I am hated by most people for no reason. I also get yelled at in gym, because I try but it looks like I'm not trying—that's how bad I am. I was sure field day would be fun, but now I'm having second thoughts. People also say mean, untrue things behind my back. And I have upper-lip hair, and everyone says I have a "mustache," and I'm a girl! It doubles my anxiety, and I hate it! I only have a few friends that allow me to take my walls down and make me feel secure. I get all As, so that's not a problem. My parents don't really know this, and I want to keep it that way. But they won't let me remove that hair, so I'm stuck like this. I want to reach out and not be so unpopular, but it's hard because of my anxiety! I know your advice is great, so I would love if you could help! Thanks!
— Anxious, 10
Many people are shy when they're younger and become more outgoing over the years, so please don't think there's anything wrong about feeling this way! It can be very nerve-wracking trying to make new friends, but it does sound like you have some good ones surrounding you at the moment. A few real friends are worth more than 25 somewhat okay friends. But if you want to reach out to new people, join a school club that captures your interest—you'll meet other people who share your interests.
I'm sorry that people are talking about you behind your back or saying mean things directly to you. It might be beneficial for you to consider if you really want people like that as friends. School should be a fun place where you feel comfortable learning and growing. If your classmates' negative comments get to be too much for you, you may want to see a guidance counselor at school or talk to your parents about how these classmate make you feel and ask for suggestions for how to deal with your anxiety about friendships.
In terms of your upper-lip hair, have an honest conversation with your mom about why you want to remove that hair. Ask your friends or other family members what they've done about upper-lip hair. It's very common, so it would be good to get advice from people who dealt with a similar situation.
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— July 8, 2023 —
Hi, I started secondary school last September, and this isn't very serious or anything but my friendship situation isn't great. For one thing, my family moved shortly before I started secondary school—not far away from my old house, so I'm still friends with my gang from primary school. But whenever I see them it feels like I've missed out on so much as they see each other often (though they also go to different schools mostly). Also, everyone at my new school goes on about having a best friend when I don't have one. I sort of have a best friend at my new school but we're not properly best friends. I'm no one's best friend. I know it's not a big deal but it still makes me feel lonely.
Also, recently two of my friends who I especially hang out with a lot at my new school seem to hang out without me on purpose. Not in an especially mean way but it hurts. For example, today when we left school they went the same way and I went a different way. One of them asked to hang out earlier so I asked: "So are we doing something now?" And she said she was too tired. And then the other two hung out together after and sent me a video. Also, I was going to one of their houses and just before I left my friend texted, "also, Mo is coming too" (not her real name). It's that we were discussing us meeting up on a group chat and yet no one bothered to tell me. I just feel a bit excluded sometimes, though I'm often asked to hang out. I don't know, I just don't feel like I'm first choice as a friend for anyone.
In general I love hanging out with my friends, and it's probably too late to find many new friends in the school who I'd hang out with outside school. Of course this isn't that important but I'd appreciate an answer.
— Friends, 11
Friendships are very important to most people, which means that your question is important. At your age, relationships with peers are particularly significant. That's why you're paying close attention to how your friends act and what they say to you. I understand that you were hurt when you saw your friends on video having a good time when one of them had said to you earlier that she was too tired to hang out.
My advice is to continue to be the fun and genuine person you have always been, and try to ignore them when they exclude you—as long as it's not very often. If some of your friends' treatment of you begins to really bother you, drop those friendships and seek out people who appreciate you. For instance, work on strengthening the relationship you have with the person who is on the way to becoming best friends with you. When the new school year begins, you will have a fresh opportunity to meet new people. Join after-school clubs to get to know classmates who share your interests, which is the first step in developing meaningful friendships.
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