Teens

Thank you so much for your advice column! It's so helpful! I'm really, really scared of growing up and getting older. Anytime someone brings the topic up I feel like I'm about to cry. I'm really scared of death and losing the people I care about. Recently, it was my little sister's 5th birthday, and instead of spending time with her, I spent most of the day hiding in my room crying. I just want to stay a kid forever and not lose the people I care about. Ever since I started high school, my relationship with my family has been getting worse. I feel sad all the time, and sometimes I just don't want to grow up or even be here anymore. Please help me, I just want to stop feeling like this.

Everything has just begun to feel like it's going wrong. Small things make me cry so hard. Everything feels ten times as bad as it may actually be—I feel like I have such a responsibility for my parents, family, friends, and I can't deliver. I'm just not good enough.

Please help!

During the past year I've gotten involved with guys for the first time. I do regret some things I have done, but I have never been in a position I haven't put myself in, in the first place—except for once.

We went to this big party with my friends, and at one point, I was left on my own because my friend was with a guy. I was sitting by myself when a guy came up to me and started singing with me. It was fun until he grabbed me, and started touching me, grabbing my hands to touch him, and grabbing my face trying to kiss me. I tried to let go but I couldn't as he held fast. I said no! over and over again and he didn't care, just kept right on grabbing at me.

I can't say it was traumatic because I genuinely didn't suffer any emotional discomfort beyond that moment. However, I can pinpoint that ever since that happened I haven't been able to kiss my parents (like goodnight on the cheek), and for some reason that bothers them even when I tell them I just don't feel comfortable with it and it's not that I don't love them.

I don't know what to do—my parents are very upset at this. They don't know what happened that night, and I don't feel comfortable enough to tell them. I don't know what to do. I've tried to explain that I just don't like it or don't want to without the intention of hurting them but, with time, it has just gotten worse. I would really appreciate any advice.

Hi. I'm a guy and consider myself straight, and yet I have the BIGGEST crush on a trans guy at my school. He and I have become really good friends over the past year. I know he likes guys as well as girls because he told me so and I think he may be interested in me, too.

So what's the problem? My parents. They're super-conservative. No way they'll approve of us dating. I really don't want to have to sneak around behind their backs in order to date my friend. At the same time, I can't stand the idea of not asking him out because I really want to give us a shot. So what should I do? I'm really in a dilemma here and don't know what to do.

Thanks for taking your time to read my question. Lately, I have been looking at people my age or even younger who are so successful in life, so talented, and have passions. In comparison, I feel like I'm not doing anything with my life. I live a pretty normal life—I play the piano, occasionally read some books that I've read over and over already, have very few close friends, and am almost invisible at school. Lately I've been staring at my phone for way too many hours a day. My parents aren't that strict and let me be as long as I have the required grades at school.

I was always pretty happy with my life. I have a very loving and supportive family, we travel a lot and I'm content. But lately I feel like something is missing in my life.

I want to pick up a new hobby or passion because I feel so lazy staring at my phone in all my spare time. The thing is next year I'll start high school and will have practically no time for hobbies or anything. It's all study, study, study! Right now I'm just so stuck, and am almost depressed. I want to do more in my life. I have all I need. The only thing that's missing is the motivation. Please help me figure this out.

My mom has been really mean to me lately. She will say things like: "If I had known I would have had a kid like you, I never would have had kids" or " You are a horrible person." I do not know what I did wrong and when I ask she does not answer. She also ignores my emotional and mental needs. My dad is no help and only supports her. All of my relatives also agree with them. I have tried talking to counselors at my school, and they say they wish they could help but they can't. She has made my life so miserable that I have had thoughts of suicide almost every day. I can't even call or text the hotline because she will see, and she will say: "It's against my religion." What should I do?

Thank you for your column. I think it is absolutely amazing and it is so helpful, but I think I have a problem. I have this really close group of best friends and I love them all so so much, but they got into a HUGE fight two days ago and it really hasn't been the same since then. I hate it so much when they fight and it really, really stresses me out. Also, they all come to me for advice. I don't know why they do this but they do for some reason. I love helping them and all, but when they push all their problems onto me, it can be pretty stressful sometimes, and even though I care for all of them, sometimes I feel like I can't rely on them for anything and they're only using me as someone to dump their problems on. For example, my birthday was yesterday and none of them remembered, I had to remind them and that kind of hurt my feelings. I really, really don't want to stop being friends with them, but I don't know what to do.

Thank you for reading this. I feel like I might want to consider seeing a therapist or something similar, but I'm not sure. And I don't know how to have that discussion with my parents. We're not very close and we don't really talk about our emotions or anything like that. I would say I have a better relationship with my mom because she's calm and easy-going, but my dad is frustrating to talk to. He's very opinionated and says a lot of things that seem wrong, but it seems like he has trouble listening to others' point of view. So my dad kinda bothers me and I don't want to talk to him about my mental health.

I'm very religious and have lots of nice friends at my church, but I really wouldn't say I have any "close" friends. I don't have anyone who I text regularly or hang out with outside of school or church, and I wouldn't have a mental health conversation with any of them. Everyone who I consider a "best friend" has someone else who is their best friend. I feel Like I don't mean very much to most of my friends. If I just stopped coming to school, I think it would be weeks before anyone wondered where I went. (But I'm not suicidal, so don't worry about that.) But I generally feel like I'm just kinda there for no reason. I'm lonely and insecure.

I'm also feeling pretty burned out from school. A club that I've always been in isn't going well this year, which is kind of upsetting. Also, I'm normally pretty good at math, but this year's math class is harder than normal because of unique circumstances. I go to tutoring and I'm passing with an A, but I'm still struggling and it's frustrating. I'm worried about senior year because I'm scheduled to take lots of hard classes and I'm not sure how well I'll handle it. I'm thinking about altering my schedule for next year to make it a bit easier, but I'm not sure how my parents will feel about that since I've always been such a high achiever. All of this is leading me to frequently feel burned out and empty. I don't want to believe I have "depression" or anything. I have a hard time talking about my emotions and putting them into words. Do you think I should try therapy, or can I solve these problems on my own? And if I need therapy, do you have any advice on how to talk about that with my mom? Thank you and sorry for writing so much.

My parents try to control my life! When I go out with friends, they always want to know exactly where I am and what I'm doing. I have to text them every half an hour or they worry. How can I find a solution? I don't want to argue with them.

Hi, first of all I want to say thank you for your advice column since it's really helped me a lot. Recently I have been having a very tough time. I started high school a few months ago and things were going great, but recently I've been going through a pretty rough patch. Back in eighth grade, I was suffering with depression to the point where I self- harmed a few times and wanted to die. For the past few weeks, those feelings have been coming back and I've been struggling. I have a lot of anxiety and hate myself. My parents are SUPER strict and have high expectations. I have all A's in my classes but recently my biology grade went down to a B, which was tough. My grades are okay now, so I've been feeling a little better up until the past week.

I have a fairly large group of friends, though I'm not super close with any of them. I have one close friend to whom I tell everything, but she goes to a different school than me. We don't talk as much as we used to and that's been making me feel pretty upset—I had a big crush on her last year and feel like I never really got over her. Finally, I began to have feelings for someone else— this guy in my grade that I've known since the beginning of the school year, and now I really, really like him. The problem is, he's popular, while my friend group and I are basically considered outcasts of the school. Also I'm pretty sure he and one of my more popular friends started dating (that's what one of my friends told me). I really, really like him. He's in my home room and we talk sometimes.

Anyway, all of these things have been making me feel quite awful. I have some past trauma and I don't have anyone to turn to. I unsuccessfully tried to kill myself yesterday by suffocation. I can't tell anyone about this and I definitely can't tell my parents. PLEASE HELP!!!!

I've been in a wheelchair since I was 3 because of a bizarre accident, so don't remember a time when I didn't use a wheelchair. My wheelchair is normal to me. I live with my mom, stepdad, my older sister, and my 5-year-old half-sister. My parents don't treat me like they treated my older sister when she was my age. She's 2 years older than me, and was allowed to do thing when she was my age that I'm not allowed to do. For example, I have specific rules about hanging out with friends. My grandma says she understands me, but says I should be mindful of my parents because my mom feels guilty about the accident, and my stepdad is just following her lead. But they don't take me seriously at all, even about things that directly affect me. Honestly, I don't think being a wheelchair user is that big a deal. The only times that I've felt like being disabled has limited me, are when my wheelchair broke down, and when other people have been mean to me.

I can understand some of why my parents are strict with me—they really didn't like it when my older sister carried me around the house on her back so that I could see things from her perspective (even though she's like double my weight and she plays ice hockey and is tall, and I'm short and super skinny and my legs are pretty weak because I don't use them) —but they also forbid me from wheeling home with my friends even though they let my sister walk home when she was my age. And I don't think they knew that actually she'd always go home with one specific friend and kissing with him the whole way home. They're pretty uncomfortable with me or my sister having friends who are boys, but more with me. I went to an event for people with wheelchairs or prosthetic legs at the hospital where I'd had surgeries, and I was talking to the only other kid my age who was a boy with two prosthetic legs. We had a nice conversation, but my stepdad intervened and forced me to sit near him for the rest of the event. Every time I talk to my parents about it they always make excuses and say that I'll understand when I'm older but it doesn't seem to make sense. My grandma agrees with me, and my sister always argues for me when we have these arguments. So how do I convince my parents that they don't have to baby me forever just because I can't walk?

I think I really like this guy on my bus. He lives in my neighborhood but I have never talked to him and I am too shy to just go up to him. The thing is, I'M NOT SHY! I'm loud and obnoxious, and even a bit annoying sometimes, but this guy intimidates me. He seems so perfect and too good to be true. It's like even if I get up the courage to talk to him he'll never like me. I've tried reaching out through social media, but it feels wrong—I don't have a phone and I have to use my friends' phones to get on social media and it almost feels like I'm lying to him. I like him a lot and I'm not ready to give up. The worst thing about the whole situation is that I like this guy more than any other guy I've ever liked. It's not just that he's attractive, his personality is amazing. I feel creepy looking at his socials and going to the park down the street just to see if he's there, but getting to know him makes me freak out, even though I really, really want to. I highly doubt it's love and I'm probably being ridiculous, but I feel something with this guy that I haven't felt before. We make eye contact and I remember once he held the door for me and even turned around to look back at me. But maybe he thinks I'm weird? I feel like I'm overthinking this and need to let it go but I'm not ready. I want to talk to him. But where is my nerve?

I can't express my emotions. This is not due to trauma or the way people have treated me in the past. I have an incredibly loving family and support system who give me a safe space to express my negative emotions. I think this is just how I am. I have friends who I've known for 5 years+ who have never seen me cry or heard me talk about my own emotions in a serious way. It's not that I can't make close enough connections with people, even with my parents whom I love the most, I struggle with this. I am very good at picking up on others' emotions and comforting them. I feel emotions really strongly as well, not just my own but those around me. I just can't express my emotions. When I start to feel anything like sadness, depression, anger, frustration etc., I channel it into anything else. Whenever I or someone else tries to talk to me about my emotions and struggles, I shut down and isolate myself. I have lots of walls up and it often makes me feel quite alone. It feels like I have no one to talk to even though I do. I think this might be a part of my nature. How can I feel less alone and break down those walls?

I feel like this is an awkward thing to ask, but I'm going to ask it—even if you don't respond. I have recently become very insecure about my body and weight. My growth has been slowing down as I've gotten older, however my body weight continues to increase. At the moment, I am slightly overweight. I don't look fat or anything, but I feel fat—and it bothers me. I have thought about ways to lose weight, but with school I have a hard time finding time to exercise, and stress makes me crave junk. I can't tell if my appetite is because I'm still growing or if I'm eating just because I feel like it. My parents are both overweight and don't pressure me to be healthier.

One of my main concerns is whether I should try to lose weight while I'm still a kid—I don't want to hurt my body or end up with an eating disorder. I want to find ways to get past my unhealthy eating habits and temptation to be lazy, and practice an age-appropriate healthy lifestyle that is possible to maintain in the future. Thanks!

I just found out last week my best friend is moving away. It has been extremely hard for me to keep my emotions in because I am so sad. I have had other best friends in the past, but nobody compares to her. I was looking forward to spending my whole high school years with her, and how much fun we were going to have, but I guess that isn't happening. Her moving date has jumped closer because her mom got the job, and so instead of her moving at the end of the school year, she is moving in two weeks. I would be less stressed if I had another good friend, but I don't. The friend group I used to hang out with before my best friend, are on the same mountain bike team, and that's basically all they talk about—and I'd always be left out because I have no idea what the crap they are talking about. The other girls I could hang out with are a little too mean, and they always cause drama. I am coming on here to ask, what should I do after my friend moves, and who should I be friends with? Thank you so much!

Thanks for taking the time to read my question. I would like to do some things to change up my looks, such as wearing makeup and straightening my hair. This is not because I'm insecure, I would just like to explore these things for myself and see if it suits me. But I don't know what my mom will say. Asking her to do these things seems wrong, because it's my body and I should not need permission. But at the same time I feel like I need to hear her out as well. Asking her outright if I can wear make-up could be awkward. She is my mom and I can talk to her casually. I could just pick up some concealer and lip gloss at the store and see her reaction, but that doesn't seem correct to me either. The thing is I don't expect my mom to get mad at me, but I'm still scared of what she could say. Asking her these things seem so awkward, even though she is one of my best friends. What should I do?

Hi, I'm a 14 year old girl and I'm struggling with my current family dynamics. Basically imagine this: a 9-year-old younger sister struggling with low self-esteem, frustration and school life, who lashes out at parents and older sister out of frustration and believes that things are unfair. Mum with severe depression, Dad with stressful job. The two of them having martial issues and not really loving each other. Then me; older sister with depression and chronic illness struggling with everything, when home stays alone either training for football or listening to music, but who never talks about emotions at all.

My parents generally focus more on their problems or my sister's than mine because I just hide it. That's pretty much my house at the moment. Do you have any advice on how to make the best of this and to learn how my actions, because of my personal struggles, impact my family around me and how can I make sure I don't make things worse?

I have a friend who is almost constantly saying that I'm the only reason he hasn't "offed himself" and other things in that regard. I appreciate him as a friend, but I don't like feeling responsible for someone else's mental health. I feel like if I leave him alone for too long that I'll check in on him and he'll be dead. I've told him to get therapy but he keeps saying that I'm practically his therapist anyway. What do I do?

Hello! I hope you're having a great day. I have been wanting to harm myself a lot but I thought of it and was too pathetic to continue. Recently I've found myself being under a great amount of stress, from schoolwork, classmates, and being the new kid. I've also seemed to lose motivation. My grades have dropped a lot, and I just feel tired. And now it's summer break, but I often find myself eating more than usual and sleeping a lot to distract me from life. Not to mention, I have had multiple conflicts with my parents. However I do not really want to get into that.

I have tried reaching out to friends and family, I have tried—but none of them really understand, and say things like, "you'll be fine." I really do try to seek help, and if I could find help elsewhere, I would not be writing this. I've also had an overall bad experience with school counselors and I'm too scared to reach out to them. How can I recover from this state? Thank you for reviewing this and I appreciate your time.

I've seen the answers you've put on the site yet nobody seems to have the same problem I do, which is why I am writing this question. I feel like I am too addicted to video games. I just can't seem to stop and I keep procrastinating on my schoolwork. It's so hard to get work done and it makes me very stressed. I keep putting stuff off to the last minute and I feel like I can't continue living like this if I don't change. I know this but I still can't seem to stop. Can you give me some advice and tips to be able to overcome my addiction? Thanks in advance!

Over the years, I've become aware of negative behaviors from my parents that I never noticed before. My dad is always working and has little time for me. Whenever I try to talk to him, he just ignores me and tells me to "shut up" or "go away." It makes me feel like I'm too much for him, like a burden, and I'm just not worth his time. I was never really that close to my dad but I've seen photos of me with him when I was younger and he looked so much happier. My mom has also been increasingly controlling and narcissistic. I have little freedom for my hobbies and she prevents me from spending time with my friends, which makes me feel left out. She makes me feel awful every time I get a grade lower than 98%. She asks me: "Why didn't you try hard enough" and "Why were you so distracted." But I did try my best. Every day she makes me feel bad about myself, like I'm not enough for anyone. Everything in our family revolves around her because she is selfish and refuses to care about anyone but herself. Both of my flawed relationships with my parents make me feel trapped. I actually ENJOY going to school because it's like an escape from home. I feel stuck, and I can't move away for another 4 years. I dream of living on my own, away from my toxic parents. I can't talk to any of my friends about it because they all have nice, supportive parents. They don't get it and it makes me feel even more alone. They have parents that tell them: "I love you," and "I support you no matter what." I never had my parents tell me that. I know my parents don't love me and that thought is always in the back of my head. I know they regret having me and it bothers me every day. I've thought about escaping my home but I know I can't do that because I'm dependent on my emotionally unavailable, narcissistic, toxic parents. I just want to know how I can cope with this for the next 4 years. I just feel really stuck.