Books by Dr. M
Where Should I Sit at Lunch? The Ultimate 24/7 Guide to Surviving the High School Years
Young Adults
— February 1, 2026 —
How to be more confident and not worry about other people's opinion?
— Nico, 17
Consider what you are feeling sensitive about, for example, public speaking, being able to dance, knowing about a particular subject or activity? You could start with that very thing—and for instance, join a Toast-Master's club, or sign up for a class or Meet-up that focuses on that activity. You can also build your confidence by developing your skills in a variety of fields. Look for things you haven't tried before and think might be interesting to you. For example, many people do art, music, performance or sports—you can take up something new by enrolling in a class, joining a local theatre, or sports club. Ignore other people's opinions who don't have your best interests in mind. Look for positive role models in your life and learn from them—ask them how they got to where they are today. The endeavor to be more confident is not a short-term thing, it takes consistent effort. One day, you'll be surprised at how much you've changed and grown.
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— December 12, 2025 —
Hi! I really, really, like this guy and I think that he's the sweetest, funniest, and kindest person ever. Recently I asked him on a date because I figured that he wasn't going to make the first move since he seemed very shy around girls. When we hang out one-on-one, we have a great time, talk a lot, and have some great conversations. But when we are in public (with friends) it's like he doesn't know how to talk to me. To be fair, I'm the same way and don't know how to talk to him a whole bunch. But since I've been making the moves, I figured that maybe he would talk to me more. I think he's just really shy around girls but I'm really hoping that he asks me out and I'm not the one to ask him to be my boyfriend if the time ever comes. How do I get him to feel comfortable with the idea without scaring him away or overwhelming him? We've been hanging out for a month and a half now.
— Michele, 17
As you described this guy, he's the "sweetest, funniest, and kindest" person you've ever met. But he's shy around girls (and you're the same way), which means you should be patient with him. Also, you can be a role model, by taking the conversations you have one-on-one and include one other person (someone who is understanding). Gradually, you can include two or three other people into your circle. Ask questions, so you know more about your new friends, finding things in common with the guy you like and others in your new group. Respect that he's awkward around new people and give him time to warm up to them. It will be worth the effort.
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— October 27, 2025 —
This is kind of a long story, but I'll make it as short as possible. I am 17 years old and going nowhere in life. I am graduating a semester early because I am in online school and could work ahead. Otherwise, I have no job, no driver's license, no bank account. I do have some money and am working part-time during this school year, but I still feel so behind. For some context, during COVID, both my parents worked, and as the oldest girl in my family, I oversaw running our house. I was 13 at the time. When we went back to school after Covid, I still ran the household as both my parents worked. This included dinner and chores as well as staying on top of my schoolwork. I never minded doing these things because they were necessary. We couldn't afford for my mom to stay home. I switched to online school in my freshman year because my older brother was switching to online school. My parents thought it would be better for us to stick together. My brother has had a lot of issues online with involving himself inappropriate activities, and when we switched to online school, I became a spy for my parents to catch him and break him of his bad habits. My brother has severe ADHD as well and has always had a difficult time staying on task. I became his tutor and helped him graduate from high school. I could not take Driver's Ed until my brother graduated because a) I could not afford it b) We did not have the time. My mother recently stopped working, and my brother recently moved out. Now my parents are grilling me about all the things I am "behind" on. They compare my life to my brother's life, and I can't help but feel upset. They supported my brother through all the things I am trying to do by myself. They helped my brother get his first job, open a bank account, and practice driving so he could get his license. He never had to ask for help because they offered it. I've always been an independent person and a self-starter. I'm having trouble finding a job for when I graduate, and though my parents wish I had my license, they agree I am not ready to take my driver's test because I've only had my learner's permit for 7 months. I feel so out of control and lost. I don't know what to do. I love my parents, but I wish they could support me. What should I do?
— Eliza, 17
It's obviously unfair to be compared to your brother; after all he was the one who did "inappropriate" things when he was supposed to stay on task—and you helped him graduate from high school as his tutor. Perhaps, now is the time to remind your parents of everything you did while they were working. You basically ran the household—including making dinner, doing chores, keeping an eye on your brother and tutoring him—as well as doing your own schoolwork. It seems that they took advantage of you because of your high degree of competence. Telling you they think you are "behind" on activities now is unfair and rightfully upsetting to you. Work up your courage and have a conversation with them reminding them of what you had to do while they both were working. If you would find it easier to write down your thoughts and feelings to refer to during the conversation, or to write them a letter. They might not change their minds, but you should be proud of standing up for what you have done and the credit you deserve.
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— August 23, 2025 —
I have important exams coming up, but I can't concentrate when I try to study. I feel tired, distracted, and sometimes anxious. I want to do well, but I don't know how to focus. What can I do?
— Nani, 21
Excited energy can make it hard to focus. Additionally, the stimulation of our digital society can add to this, as can stimulating activities you may be engaging in. Staying up late with exciting friends, playing games on your phone, too little sleep, having a lot of caffeine, alcohol, or stimulants can all play a role. I just mention these things because it's important to assess for yourself if there is anything beyond normal tiredness, distraction, and anxiety that is increasing the difficulties you're facing.
Once you've sorted out external factors working against you, you need to improve your mindset. Firstly, talk with yourself positively about your abilities, cheering yourself on each time you lose even a little bit of focus! Establish a routine of study for your exams as much in advance as possible, with short intervals and a brief reward between the intervals you do each day. When you have feelings of exhaustion, if you've done some study that day, it might be a good reward to take a nap or even call it an evening. When you are distracted, set a time limit for an activity that will quell the distraction, and then get back to study (for example, go pretend shopping online).
By the way, I've heard professors talk about student's learning process, for say, working on a paper. And most students referred to something they called the "lazy period." One professor actually said this wasn't a lazy period at all, but rather an incubation period where the work was happening "behind the scenes!" So don't be so hard on yourself! Be confident and know that by tuning in to your moods even a little bit, you will be making the progress you need.
Ask Dr. M. for Advice on Your Problem
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— July 10, 2025 —
I have a problem with my mother and sister-in-law. Yesterday, they asked me to take care of my nephew over the weekend, but I don't know how to tell them that I can't because I need to study for exams I have next week.
— Arely, 21
An honest approach is best. Explain to them that you wish you had time to take care of your nephew, and you love spending time with him, but you have important exams next week and you need to spend the whole weekend studying for them. Tell your mother and sister-in-law that you hope they'll be able to find a substitute for you. Is one of your friends available to take care of your nephew?
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— June 18, 2025 —
I have a real problem with cell phone addiction. I came to this realization following an incident where I was so engrossed with my phone that I failed to notice I'd blown right by a school bus that had its stop signs deployed. Luckily, by some miracle, no one was hurt. I still shudder when I think of what could have happened.
I was charged with reckless driving because of this incident and was recently sentenced to 30 days in juvie, to be served once school lets out for summer break. And tomorrow is the last day of the school year. What lies ahead is really gonna suck, but I have no one to blame but myself, I know.
As I said, this whole incident woke me up to the fact that I'm addicted to my phone. I know I need to do something about this, but what? I wish I could just get rid of my phone, but I know that's not really an option. They're kind of necessary nowadays. So what can I do? I really need some help with this one. I don't want to put anyone at risk like that ever again!
— Maddie, 17
You're very lucky that no one was hurt when you ran through by a bus with its stop signs deployed. I trust you learned your lesson. Think about steps you can take so that this won't happen again. I have a couple of suggestions: 1) Before you start driving, put your phone in the backseat of your car, far enough way so you can't reach it. Ignore the phone even it rings. 2) Make a schedule for your phone use—and stick to it. It might help to establish an agreement with a parent or a friend, so they know whether you're using your phone when you're not supposed to. Thirty days in juvie should be a reminder of the consequences of being sidetracked by your phone.
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— May 4, 2025 —
My problem is with a friend. When we are together, she talks about her problems. and I advise her, but don't receive her support with my problems. I try to understand that we don't define friendship the same way, but I find it painful not being heard, What should I do with this friendship?
— Araniz, 24
While you recognize that the depth of your relationship with your friend is different from hers, you would like the friendship to have a more even quality. One action you can take is to be honest with her. Tell her that you're glad that she can unburden herself to you, but you would like her to listen to you with empathy when you need her support with your problems. The outcome will depend on both her willingness to accept your frank request and her ability to understand your challenges. If, after being honest with your friend, she doesn't change at all, then it's time to seek out other friendships, which are mutually beneficial.
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— April 10, 2025 —
Do you have any advice on how to get rid of intrusive thoughts? Thank you so much!
— Stella, 20
You have a common problem. That doesn't mean that it will be easy to solve, but you have taken the first important step in recognizing the issue. Some people don't seek help for years, but there are effective treatments to reduce or eliminate intrusive thoughts.
If you are going to school, make an appointment with the counseling center, and explain that you have been bothered by thoughts that you don't want or that you make you uncomfortable. If you are not going to school, investigate whether there are community resources that can help you. Some of them offer free or low-cost counseling services. The important thing is that you need to address this issue before it gets worse. There are effective remedies—take action now.
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— February 19, 2025 —
I've been noticing that my father has been pushing his unrealistic expectations onto me again, and I have no idea what to do about this. He stopped doing this when I was 13 but recently has started back due to me being in my later years of secondary school and it's frustrating. He wants me to get 90% and above in all my subjects but that's not realistic because I'm weak in some areas and seem to never get over 70% in them. Trust me I've tried to score more, and it never worked out. My father also puts my grades above my physical and mental well-being but then yells at me for not going to sleep earlier and that I could study during the day even though I've explicitly told him that I study better during the night. It's so frustrating living with a person like this, and I don't know how to deal with it. What would you recommend I do?
— Tiffany, 17
It's time for you to have an honest conversation with your father. Ask for his ideas as how you can improve your grades, particularly in those areas you perceive as weak. Your dad will probably appreciate that you're giving his recommendations a fair chance. Instead of giving up and saying that you're weak in some areas, follow his strategy. You might even surprise yourself because one subject you believed you were weak in did improve with a new approach. Even if there's no improvement, your father might appreciate that you tried one of his strategies.
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— December 21, 2024 —
A couple months ago, I did something embarrassing and slightly regretful in public, which embarrassed my parents a lot. This moment has left me not wanting to put myself out in the world, in fear of the people involved in the incident finding out who I am. My parents only know part of the story. I've only told one other person about what really happened. I'm conflicted if I should tell my parents the entire story, because I don't want to scare them, but I don't want to keep this bottled up inside. I was thinking of waiting to tell my parents, but I don't know the best way and time to tell them.
— Fabian, 19
The longer you wait, the harder it will be to tell your parents the full story about what happened a couple of months ago. But you're an adult so it's up to you to make the decision about whether to fill in the details about the event. An element to consider is how difficult it is for you to keep things bottled up inside instead of being direct with your parents. If you are going to talk with your parents, preface it with how much you regret your actions and how sorry you are for embarrassing them in public. If you are still tormented by the incident to the point of hiding yourself from the world, consider talking to a therapist who will keep what you say confidential.
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— October 27, 2024 —
I'm 27 years of age, and I need some advice. How can I tell my mother that I have reunited with an ex, whom I have always been in love with? This is the man I have dreamed of since I was little, but the problem is my mom doesn't want him for me because he is transsexual. That is not a problem for me, but my mom doesn't like me going out with him. What can I do? I love him very much, and I want a whole life with him, but I don't want to walk away because of my mother's opinion. I want her to accept it too. What advice does do you have for me?
— Karla, 27
Although I understand why you want your mother to agree with your decision to reunite with your ex, you're an adult and can make your own decisions. The sooner you tell her, the better it will be for you. You probably don't want your mother to think that you held this important information back from her. Explain your decision to her like you did in your letter to me. The one question I have for you: Does your ex have the same feelings toward you as you do toward him? You didn't mention his love for you, nor did you describe why the two of you broke up the first time. Think about your answers to these questions before you take further action.
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— September 22, 2024 —
My family has always, always had a problem with privacy. They go through my stuff, they go through my phone, my computer, my trash, and my texts. My door locks from the outside and if I close it, they come and open it without knocking even when I'm naked. I'm not even allowed to close my door at night! I get yelled at for being in the bathroom too long. Every attempt to establish boundaries ends in: "Why?, What are you hiding?" As though me wanting a little privacy to change clothes, hell, to do anything, is a crime. I can't use a diary because in the past, they read it, threw it out, and yelled at me. I was 10 when they did that. Ten. I don't get any more privacy now. I'm not allowed to leave the house without them. I once got yelled at because I passed the mail carrier while taking out the trash, and he handed me the package personally (long story, apparently I need to check for mail trucks before I take out the trash so I don't talk to people). I have no privacy, no friends, and you have no idea the amount of secrecy that went into asking for this advice. How do I get them to let me go, and when they do, how do I adjust to the normal world? I want to be responsible and well-adjusted and normal. I don't know how to be any of that. How do I be a normal kid with a normal amount of freedom who acts normally instead of constantly acting like I'm paranoid, always on the run, hiding and deleting everything in sight, and basically just being an abnormal unsocialized geek?
— Anon, 17
Your letter is heartbreaking to read. I understand how stressful living at home must be for you. I admire the courage you've shown in writing to us. Do you go to school? If you do, you can access resources there—for example, a school psychologist, social worker, or a guidance counselor. They can offer you confidential advice.
In terms of what to do right now, my advice is that when you are outside of your house, call or text the Crisis and Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 
988,. You will need to keep your outreach private, so you should immediately delete the call or text from your phone, or better yet, ask to borrow a trusted individual's phone, such as a teacher or a resource person at school so your parents will not know you made a phone call.
If you can talk to an adult relative whom you trust to keep your conversation private, ask for their help. You need someone to intervene so you don't have to live without any privacy at all. If you're feeling very brave, prepare for a conversation with your parents, explaining what their rules are doing to you. Request that, at your age, you need some privacy so you can live a more normal life and be prepared for your adult years, and perhaps even go to college.
Please write back to tell us how you are doing and whether you were able to follow any part of our advice.
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— August 24, 2024 —
I'm 20, my younger sister is 16. Our parents are really overprotective of her, especially our mom. She's always been different from her peers in ways that our parents would use to justify their concerns. For instance, she had glasses since she was, like, 9-months-old, and for a while she was the only kid in her grade with glasses, and my mom worried daily about her because of this. My sister had a medical condition that required repeated hospitalization and surgery when she was in 6th grade, and that just made my parents even more protective. In elementary school it became apparent that she was severely socially anxious, though it took until she was in 8th or 9th grade—just two years ago—for my parents to accept that, and finally start sending her to therapy. The therapist has talked to my sister about possibly being autistic, but my sister is afraid to discuss that with our parents, because of their propensity /*inclination*/to worry and be overprotective.
My sister struggled for a long time socially, but starting therapy has helped her a lot. She has friends now for the first time, maybe the first close friends she's ever had. She's been calling me to complain a lot recently about how our parents are really worried about her friends. They won't let her do any of the things that 'typical" 16-year-olds do—things that I was allowed to do at that age. They won't let her go to a movie with a friend when the movie ends after 9 pm, or walk to a friend's house in the day time when the friend is 15 minutes away—she has to get a ride in our relatively safe neighborhood. One of her closest friends is a boy, and now they're worried that they'll start dating, or that they're already dating. I think they'd be very cute together, but I don't think they're dating. Our parents were perfectly fine with me dating at that age as long as I was being safe, responsible, etc. My sister wants me to intervene on her behalf, but any time I've tried to point out that I was able to do that when I was her age—my parents just say it's different because of her medical history, or her personality, or whatever. Not sure what to do now.
— Charlotte, 20
I am impressed by your concern for your younger sister and your willingness to intervene on her behalf even though your parents have already made their minds up. Perhaps you can think of another adult who will be able to persuade your parents (for example an aunt or a close family friend). Another idea I have, is to help your sister write a letter to your parents, explaining how therapy is helping her and as a result, she's ready for more responsibility. Have her give concrete examples, such as walking to a friend's house rather than waiting for a ride or hanging out with a boy who's a friend. Remind your sister that increased freedom comes with increased responsibility, so she has to be ready for that.
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— August 13, 2024 —
I like a career that my family doesn't like so much. The school that specializes in this field is in another city, so I would have to move. I have to choose between my family and studying what I want. Since I can't have both, what should I choose? What would you do?
— Joss, 20
Choosing between your family and pursuing your dream career is a tough dilemma. But before you make a choice, figure out if there's another way. Get some help from a librarian in your town and do some Internet research to investigate whether there is only one school that specializes in the field you're interested in. Another factor to consider when you're choosing next steps is that moving to another city doesn't mean abandoning your family. Figure out how you can visit your family during breaks from school, and invite members of your family to visit you.
One step you should take is to talk to people who've moved from their hometown to pursue a career. Create a list of interview questions so you'll have more information than you do now. Just because your family doesn't like the career in which you're interested, shouldn't deter you from pursuing it. If you drop the field now, you may regret the decision and end up resenting your family.
Please write back to us and explain what decision you made and how you arrived at that decision.
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