Books by Dr. M
Where Should I Sit at Lunch? The Ultimate 24/7 Guide to Surviving the High School Years
Too Old for This, Too Young for That! Your Survival Guide for the Middle-School Years
Parents of Teens & Young Adults
— October 27, 2024 —
My 18-year-old son just told his mother and me that he is gay. This doesn't make any sense. He's great at sports, always has girls chasing after him, and is not at all effeminate. His mum and I think this is just a phase, or a cry for help as he might not be adapting that well to living at university. Should we contact the university and demand he see their psychologists? What can we do to weave him out of this idea?
— Tony
Your son was brave in telling you and his mother that he is gay knowing in some way of your stereotyped feelings about gay people. When you ask what you and his mother can do to "weave him out of this idea," you express a very old-fashioned concept. Currently, 36 countries have legalized same-sex marriage. Do not contact his university and "demand" that he sees a psychologist as most psychologists don't view being gay as abnormal in any way. Just as being an athlete is part of your son's identity, so is being gay. Show acceptance that your son is open about his sexual identity, and educate yourself by going to a support group for parents of LGBTQ+ people. The most important actions you can take are to be receptive and talk to your son about what being gay means to him.
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— September 22, 2024 —
I have tried to speak to my 22-year-old son about making him understand that his girlfriend isn't good for him and it would be best to let her go. He did break up with her but got back together with her in a couple of days. She has been rude to all of us even though we have helped her with so many things. She doesn't care about anyone but herself. I feel she is also using him and makes up stories of anxiety to stay here for a few days so she doesn't need to spend money on eating at home, utilities and saving her money for tattoos and whatever she would rather spend her money on. People at work are about to let her go as well because of her rude attitude, and she tells my son things to make him feel sorry for her, which is the main reason why he is with her because she has no one else. She has been nothing but a bad influence on my son since the very beginning.
Never did I think any of my kids would be with a person like this or be so easy influenced. He is too caring and she sees that and at a moment she has him running to her side when she puts on a fake crying spell and has even said she wanted to kill herself and is he going to leave her too. If she happens to go out with us she is loud and embarrassing and has no manners. Family is very important to me so when we go out we should all be together. But she has him sitting elsewhere or next to us sometimes but he won't talk to us since she is too involved in keeping him busy. She lives very poorly and she thinks my son is her way out of being poor. She wants people to feel sorry for her, even about him being a terrible boyfriend because he broke up with her. I can't believe he took her back after all she continues to do. I literally don't know what to do anymore. I feel she isn't going to let him succeed in life since it doesn't look like she can do much with hers, having no support from parents and living off a fast food job. I have mentioned to my son there is always a line never to cross such as her being disrespectful to siblings and parents for no reason, and she has crossed that line many times.
She claims she is rude because she is bipolar (self-diagnosed). And she has told me she doesn't talk to me if I speak to her because she has social anxiety. When she walks into a store, she approaches strangers and won't stop talking and is louder than anyone there. My son currently has no car of his own right now so we drive him and his girlfriend around but I am putting my foot down in not doing anything for her any longer. I need help in helping my son see that although he may love her, she is not good for him and that he is being manipulated by her. — Miranda
Your son is 22—that means he is an adult and makes his own decisions about whom to date. I do understand your objections to their relationship. But the more you push him to leave his girlfriend, the more likely it is to push them closer together. From what you described in your letter, she seems troubled and wants to hold on to your son so he can provide her with security and a way out of poverty. They may love each other, but neither is ready for a real relationship. Instead of repeatedly telling your son to leave his girlfriend, you can set ground rules when they are around your family. For example, tell them both your expectations when they are in public settings (such as restaurants and stores) or when you act as their chauffeur. When you see any instance of positive behavior, be sure to compliment them (particularly her). Continue to do this until, hopefully, their actions will become more favorable. A change in your tactics might make a big difference.
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— August 24, 2024 —
I discovered last night that my 16-year-old daughter went party-hopping when she was supposed to be at a friend's house. She left her phone at her friend's house so that if I checked on her I'd think she was there. This is particularly dangerous for my daughter because she has Type 1 diabetes and, in fact, last night (the night after she was out partying) she had a seizure. I suspect she was drinking and that this contributed to her seizure. My husband and I have tried to maintain a friendly relationship with her and respect her needs for independence, while keeping her safe—and now this. We feel we must ground her and are bracing for her wrath. Is this the right course? Should we do more?
— Anxious Mom
I understand why you need to ground your daughter. Negotiate with your daughter how long she's going to be grounded. Impress upon her the peril she put herself in and that you and your husband hope she learned an important lesson from that experience. Encourage her to talk about why you're grounding her and that you expect she'll make better decisions in the future. Ask her doctor to explain to her how her medical condition makes it more likely that she'll risk her health when she drinks, particularly excessively. You also should address the trust issue—she left her phone at her friend's house to fool you into thinking she was there instead of party-hopping. That should be part of the reason you're grounding her. Deal with her wrath. You're trying to keep her safe and encouraging her to make smart decisions. Tell her that it will take a while before you can trust her completely again although that you understand her need for independence.
This is not a one-time conversation. You'll need to have this conversation over and over again since it's your role to help her make decisions that will keep her safe and healthy.
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— April 25, 2024 —
I am a mom to two adult children and we all live together along with my husband. My youngest daughter is turning 20 next week and she wants to go out for a family dinner. When my husband tried to book a time at a restaurant of her choice, she got upset because she wanted the dinner on her birthday and they had a big argument and he called her selfish and rude and it didn't go well. My daughter is upset because she thinks he hates her. They have had a bad relationship for a couple of years now. I tried to get them to talk about it and move forward but they won't. My husband is angry and my daughter is hurt and I am stuck in the middle. What do I do? They won't speak to each other and I don't want my daughter to be sad on her birthday but my husband doesn't care. I am so upset. I don't want to choose sides and I don't think I should have to.
— Jean
You didn't mention if your husband is the father of one or both of your children. You did say that your daughter and your husband have had a bad relationship for a couple of years, but you didn't explain the origin of the conflict. Given what you described, you are in the middle of a difficult situation. I suggest that you talk to them individually and privately. With your husband, I would focus on how awful the ongoing conflict between him and your daughter is for you. State that you don't want to choose sides, and offer your husband an opportunity to explain his perspective. Then provide your husband with a compromise in this particular situation—that he or you make a restaurant reservation on her actual birthday because it's important to her. With your daughter, focus on your husband's frustration since he was trying to take a positive action. Ask for her suggestions for improving their relationship. Tell her this ongoing conflict is very hard on you.
If these individual conversations do not make a difference, leaving your husband angry and your daughter hurt, ask them to consider short-term family counseling. It's unfair to you to continue to live in the middle of a tense family dynamic for years.
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— March 2, 2024 —
My 14-year-old daughter, "Molly" is pretty anxious and has a tough time making friends, so she's really close to the friends she does have. One of her friends, "Matt," has been battling cancer for the past few months. He's basically stopped school this year and will continue from where he left off last year, but he was a grade ahead of Molly so starting next year they'll both be sophomores. My wife and I are very proud of how considerate and compassionate Molly has been towards Matt, however I think it's gotten a bit extreme. Molly's grades are slipping dramatically because she's spending certain class periods on her phone the whole time texting Matt, or she isn't getting any schoolwork done because she's spending afternoons with her friends in the hospital visiting Matt, or evenings FaceTiming him. I want to limit Molly's visits to just once a week so that she'll have time to focus on her schoolwork, but my wife thinks that's cruel. We've talked to Molly about keeping her grades up but she just dismisses us. How can we support Molly through supporting her friend while keeping her grades up?
— FeelLikeTheBadGuy
Congratulations on raising a teen who is compassionate! But your concern about her spending so much time supporting Matt that she's neglecting her schoolwork is well-founded. Your suggestion of limiting her visits to Matt did not go over well with your wife. Cutting back her in-person and virtual visits to once a week is drastic. I suggest that you and wife come up with a compromise strategy (for example, a total of four in-person and FaceTime visits with Matt and no texting him while she's in class). Tell Molly how proud you of her actions and that, as her parents, you have to think about her academic record, too. Consider getting support and ideas from Molly's teacher. She might not know how deeply involved Molly has been in Matt's emotional well-being.
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— February 18, 2024 —
My 15-year-old goddaughter I've helped raise since birth, moved in with me 10 months ago because her birth mother is an alcoholic and is verbally abusive, and well, here we are 10 months later. My goddaughter has been, to me, the perfect child. loving, empathetic, inquisitive, and easy going until recently. It took her months to make friends here where we live and took her time to make friends in school. And she finally made neighborhood friends during the summer. All male friends. My question is this: Our relationship has been strained by her constant push to bring her guy friends into my house when I am not home. I've told her multiple times I do not allow strangers in my home and have offered her the patio to bring her friends to, but only when I am home. She refused. And since making these new neighborhood friends, she has snuck out the windows, cursed at me (which she never did before) and now tells me she wants to move back with her Mom. She says she'd rather take the verbal abuse than deal with "my ridiculous rules." She also has a girl best friend of 2 years who is always here when arguments and turmoil arise. I feel this girl is a bad influence as she encourages my daughter to have the guys in my house when I am gone. That girl is also a better liar than my goddaughter is. My goddaughter goes to see a therapist weekly and there she has (reluctantly) promised she will not bring the boys into my house while I work, but she just did it again. My neighbor told me plus her best friend posted recent pics of the boy lying down on my sofa. How can I stop my child from bringing neighborhood boys in my house and from chronically lying about it? One of the boys has already cursed at me from a distance. Help, this is consuming me.
— Leti
Congratulations, you have a teenager! The behavior you're describing sounds pretty par for the course for a teenager, who is at the developmental stage when they are testing (or breaking) rules and boundaries. And without knowing what your concerns are with having boys (and maybe girls, too, since they're also strangers) in your home, I have to say, I agree with your goddaughter. Even if you don't allow strangers in your home, if she's living with you, it's her home, too, and they're not strangers to her. And if the issue is really with them being strangers to you, would it help if your goddaughter introduced them to you before she had them over inside the house? If not, I think you need to ask yourself what exactly your issue is with them being at your house.
Speaking from experience, if you set very stringent rules that are incompatible with the realities of a teenager's social life, they're going to break them and lie to you about it. You can punish them for it but it's not going to improve your relationship and is unlikely to bring about a meaningful change in their behavior other than to make them try harder next time to avoid being caught.
My best advice is to sit down with your goddaughter, explain why you are concerned about these friends of hers being in your house, and see if you can work together to come up with a solution that works for both of you.
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— January 21, 2024 —
I come from a religious family, many of whom are critical and judgmental of those who do not share the same beliefs or live their lives in the same manner. I was raised using guilt, shame, and emotional and verbal abuse. I do not raise my children this way. I allow them to make their choices as they see fit, so long as they do not hurt themselves or anyone else.
My 13-year-old daughter loves horror movies, watching shows like Stranger Things, has taken an interest in true crime stories, and frequently listens to true crime podcasts. It's not my cup of tea but she enjoys it. While visiting family over the holidays, my aunt made several comments to her regarding her choices. She would wait until I was out of the room or whisper things to her such as, "Bad goes in, bad comes out," or "I pray you don't turn out like that," (referring to the murderer in a true crime podcast) and making comments about her choosing not to attend church with the family. I did not find out she'd said these things until we were at the airport ready to return home. The next day, my aunt text messaged my daughter asking if she forgot about her since we returned home. My daughter was fed up at this point and asked me to say something to her. I planned to talk to her once we returned to our home state, but since my daughter asked, I sent a message letting her know that I'm sure she wasn't intending to, but asking my daughter if she forgot about her only makes her feel like she did something wrong. My aunt did not reply to me, but replied to my daughter and said she was "just being playful." My mom has made comments to me about being worried because of what my daughter is listening to and watching but never to my daughter.
Am I wrong in allowing her to listen/watch what she chooses? I was shielded from so much growing up that it had such a negative effect on me, so I do not choose censorship for my kids. My aunt has been similarly passive aggressive with me for years, and I never stopped it. Now, she is utilizing guilt and shame with my child, who feels she's "bad" now and it really hurt her feelings. Should I try to talk to her, or shut her off from access to my kids? Anytime in the past that I've said something to her, she plays victim and it's incredibly frustrating.
— Amanda
You brought up two different but related issues: 1) how your family communicates with you and your daughter, and 2) what you decide to allow your daughter to watch and listen to.
Your mom and your aunt are giving you and your daughter the same message, that she's watching inappropriate media. I appreciate that your mother is communicating with you only, although she's questioning your role as the decision-maker. On the other hand, I know why your aunt is directly sending messages to your daughter—because she knows you wouldn't approve of what she is saying.
My first piece of advice is to consider what you think is right for your child, thinking about her reactions when she watches horror movies or when she reads true crime stories. If she has nightmares or becomes overly fearful, that's something to consider when you make your decision. You should also pay attention to her maturity level. She may well be mature beyond her chronological age. I don't know whether you ever watch horror movies or listen to the true crime podcasts with her. Even though it's not your "cup of tea," when you're with her, you can ask questions and she can ask you questions as well. When you're doing that, be careful that you don't come across as criticizing her preferences but rather showing an interest in what she's doing.
My second piece of advice is to talk to your aunt and tell her that you know she's looking out for your daughter but you don't want her to make comments to your child that seem personal (for example, "Bad goes in, bad comes out"). I'm less concerned about your mom's comments to you—you know how to handle her comments.
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— January 6, 2024 —
Within the last two months, my daughter has become very stubborn and refuses to do anything anyone asks of her. She's in 8th grade, and there've been no recent major life changes. She tells me everything about her life, including things at school, and has been a pretty responsible rule-following kid—up until now. She's started doing stuff like refusing to wear a winter jacket, preferring a light fall windbreaker though she takes the school bus and has many moments throughout the day where she needs to be outside for up to 5 minutes—and it's getting down to the mid-30s! Although she wears eyeglasses with a high prescription and really can't see a few inches without them, she takes her glasses off when she gets to school and keeps them off. And then she complains when her grades, which she really cares about, start slipping. Those examples are the ones I'm most concerned about because of their impact on her health, though there are others.
I've told her so many times that she needs to wear her winter jacket and wear her glasses all day. She'll complain about being cold or having a headache when she comes home from school, and then look at me and give me a mischievous smile. She complains about how a particular friend of hers, who she has confided having a crush on, will express his concerns about her behavior to her. She knows what she's doing is harmful and will not stop. I know in the grand scheme of things, this is a very mild teenage rebellion, and I am glad she isn't out doing drugs or that sort of thing. But given that just a few months ago she was a mature, rule-following kid, this is worrying me. How do I get her to stop making choices that only injure herself.
— Off-putting Obstinate Offspring
I like how you're putting your daughter's behavior into perspective. What you described is a moderate form of rebellion, but her behavior is hurting her. I can suggest a couple of actions you can take, but recognize that your daughter is trying to fit in at school (that's probably why she takes off her eyeglasses even though she needs them). With regard to refusing to wear a winter jacket, she's showing her peers what a non-conformist she is. You're her parent, which sometimes means having hard discussions and arriving at compromises and having the final say about things that could be harmful to your daughter's health.
Tell your daughter you're concerned about a couple of her actions. Speak honestly about what you've noticed, and ask her to tell you why she takes those actions. Listen without interrupting. Ask her to take your perspective and imagine why you're worried. Tell her you're willing to find a middle ground. Perhaps she will agree to wear her glasses in most of her classes but not on the bus or at gym. She might be willing to wear a heavier jacket when the weather is moderately cold and windy.
Remember how you acted at her age—part of being a teenager involves trying out different roles and figuring out what's important. Allow your young teen to win some of the time, but not if it threatens her health or education.
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— September 25, 2023 —
My 17-year-old son has a weakness in English class. He isn't sure how to improve his marks, and he finds it is a very abstract subject for his brain. Often he comes home and says: "Why do I need to learn this?" Do you have any advice on how to comfort and look after my son in this hard time? — Zofia
A lot of high school students don't understand the relationship between what they're learning in school and what they will do later in life. You asked how you can "comfort and look after" your son, but a better question might be how you can help motivate him to do better in English. If you're having problems answering your son's question, make an appointment with his English teacher so the two of you can discuss the importance of this subject and how you might answer him.
Your son also needs to understand that doing well in English class is not only about improving grades but also about developing important life-long skills. Almost every job requires strong reading comprehension and the ability to write well. Depending on your location, it may be important not only to be fluent in your native language, but also in an international language, such as English. If you know what careers your son might be interested in, you could help him connect the skills he's developing in his English classes with the skills he's expected to be good at in each career.
When I was in high school, one English teacher required us to write a 250-word essay every day for homework. Although I often enjoyed the essay's topic, at other times I was frustrated that I had to write an essay when I would rather spend my time doing something else. However, I came to realize that those essays taught me to write, which I have used in every career since—from being a psychology professor to writing books for children and adults, to serving as a leadership coach for students and senior executives in global companies, to giving speeches at conferences. And, in 1997, I would not have developed the advice column you are reading without all those English classes and assignments!
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— September 9, 2023 —
How do I know if my 15-year-old son is depressed? He is a very quiet person and he doesn't show emotion much either.
— Josh
I suspect you submitted this question because you're concerned about your son's mental health. I have some questions for you to consider: Has your son always been quiet or is this tendency relatively new? Have his eating and sleep patterns changed recently? Have you noticed any changes in his friendships—for example, does he prefer being alone most of the time? Has he made any alarming pronouncements (such as saying things like: "I don't want to be a burden on you any longer" or "I feel worthless")? Your answers to these questions will provide valuable clues to what's going on with your son.
School is just starting but teachers' observations and grades are important indicators of a student's emotional status. Make an appointment with a school counselor (with or without your son). If your son refuses to involve his school, find out about therapists who work with adolescents in your community and make an appointment. By texting or calling 
988, a crisis and suicide prevention hotline, you will be connected with trained counselors who will offer you free and confidential help. If your son is depressed, encourage him to contact that hotline number himself. Remind him that you are concerned about him and hope he feels comfortable talking openly with you, and that you will try to answer his questions in a non-judgmental and honest way.
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— August 20, 2023 —
My 13-year-old son has told me that he feels really old and out of touch with his peers. He doesn't listen to modern music, preferring jazz and classical music. He wears glasses mostly for reading, though he's had them since he was a toddler. He's small for his age, and has a history of back issues that keep him from being physically active. He has Type 1 Diabetes, and was mortified when his step-grandmother, who has Type 2 Diabetes, tried to use that as a point of bonding with him! Many of his peers are devoted to TikTok, while he likes YouTube channels that appear to target an audience of 20-somethings. His favorite video games are slow-paced simulation/building games. He loves reading, and during the winter he can be found curled-up in front of the heater with an Agatha Christie novel in hand. My son has a hard time connecting with others his age and yet he has three close friends, one of whom is his twin sister. The other two kids are, like him, relatively shy boys who don't like sports. The three are very close, and can often be found playing board games together.
On the other hand, while my daughter shares some of his traits, like not caring for TikTok, she is otherwise very much in tune with her classmates. She is quite bubbly and has a lot of friends that she's always trying to introduce to him. However, none of them seem to click with my son—but most of them are girls. I think he's at an age/phase where any girl except for his sister is intimidating, and he probably has a bit of a crush on all of them.
My son has expressed that he often feels lonely, especially now, over the summer since his close friends are not around when he is. Both of my children have been at several sleepaway camps and day camps this summer. My daughter is able to make friends easily, while my son can't. His sister is a good friend to him, and tries to make time for him, but she has a bunch of other friends at these camps, which puts his focus on feeling lonely. How can I get my son to be more comfortable making friends, or to get more comfortable with the idea that not everyone needs a ton of friends to be happy?
— Parenting a Lonely Kid
The good news is that your son already has friends who are similar to him. The other piece of good news is that school will be back in session soon, which will give him fresh opportunities to make new friends.
I would suggest that you and your son brainstorm ways for him to make friends. Here are a couple of idea to get you started:
- Encourage him to join after-school clubs in which he's interested, or that are based on activities he'd like to try. He could also ask a teacher to help him establish a new school club—perhaps playing board games or centered on playing or coding a new video game.
- Practice role-playing social situations with him (for example, sitting in class next to someone he doesn't know yet).... You could play his role first, and then ask him to play himself. This will allow him to observe and practice socializing before he's in a real-life situation.
- You can bring his twin sister into the activity too. While she is role-playing, her actions might give him ideas about how to act and what to say.
- After each role-play, have a discussion about what he learned, and how the scenarios might indicate ways he could adapt his behavior to feel more comfortable and develop new approaches for making friends.
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